Vinay Kumar Declared Greatest Batsman in the World

An Aggressive Vinay Kumar

"Strike Rate is everything"   - Vinay Kumar

Known for his mind-numbing pace and mind-blowing bowling tactics on field, Davangere Express R Vinay Kumar has now been declared the greatest batsmen on the planet. He wrests this title from kiwi maverick Brendon McCullum after jumping 292 spots up the ladder, a feat which even Sir Jadeja Himself has not been able to achieve so far in the history of the game. His mammoth rise in the ranks comes after his powerful blast of 22 runs off just 6 balls against Rajasthan Royals earlier today at the Sawai Mansingh stadium. Announcing his achievement when interrupted by Danny Morrison after his blitzkrieg of an innings, RVK said, "I am honoured to adorn the mantle of best T20 batsman." When pointed out by Morrison that there was no Official ICC Declaration of this fact, the Davangere Express said, "Danny, the ICC is slow to pick up the fast-changing scenario of IPL and T20 cricket in general. I hope you will hear it soon". At a rare loss for words, Morrison was not able to continue irritating questioning the RCB bowler. Ravi Shastri recalled a similar incident during the initial three years of IPL when Dale Steyn was a prominent member of the Bangalore Squad. Vinay Kumar had nicknamed himself 'Davangere 'Express'', leading the attack comprising of Steyn and Kumble, among other bowlers. Questioning the logic behind how one could possibly assume the (nick-)name 'Express' when bowling with Dale Steyn, Jacques Kallis and even Anil Kumble, Shastri is later said to have realised (when the thought hit him like a tracer-bullet) that this was a self-proclamation by Kumar. Rumours were soon around speculating that this latest rant might also be another self-proclaimed achievement. When questioned about the slump in his bowling later today, which lost his team the match, Vinay Kumar replied angrily, "Do you know the mental strain that is exerted on a player when he shoulders the responsibility of taking his team to a high total? It naturally exhausted me".

The Davangere Express

When asked after the match "Why put so much of an effort when you were anyway going to screw up the game while bowling ?", the Express replied "Cricket is not about winning or losing, but about playing the game. Rarely do the batting powers of players lower down come into limelight. The McCullums and Watsons of this world must know that they are not the only aggressive batsmen around. Moreover, it felt like today was my day, anyway. You saw that Gayle bat against Pune. How do you think he built up the courage to play like that? I made him practise his shots while I bowled. Now who got the credit? This is what I'm talking about. The hidden talents of the lower order never comes out. Hence I thought I will address this situation today".
When asked about his former team-mate, Steyn asked, "Vinay Who? I have bowled with only two fast bowlers in RCB - Jacques Kallis and Anil Kumble. the rest were all spinners bro."
Meanwhile, ICC has announced that it will shortly announce the elevation of Vinay Kumar in its Twenty20 bowlers', batsmen's and all-rounders' lists.

Fielders allowed to travel across the city to try and catch Gayle's shots

The Innings that changed IPL

In a turbulent post-massacre match press conference after the RCB vs PWI match in Bangalore earlier today, BCCI President N. Srinivasan announced some landmark changes in the playing rules of the IPL. This is said to have followed Jamaican Chris Gayle's slightly aggressive innings of 175 off 66 balls, with 17 sixes and 13 fours. Rumours were aboard saying that while his captain Kohli said that '160 was a meaningful total in this match, Gayle thought that he had to score atleast 160 runs, an like the sincere cricketer that he is, he completed his job comfortably.

Effective immediately, teams fielding when Chris Gayle is on strike will be allowed to position their fielders at appropriate distances - namely, beyond the boundaries and outside the stadium in order to be able to catch, or atleast see/locate the ball, while the boundary for Gayle will be increased to the perimeter of the city where the match is being played.

Aaron Finch walks away in depression

Senior IPL management has quoted 'need for uniformity among the playing standards of participating teams' and 'protection of innocent bowlers' dignity' as excuses reasons for this announcement. "The normal batsman's 30-yard circle will be 300 yards long for Chris Gayle!" quipped IPL Chief Rajiv Shukla happily. Speaking on, he also said "This amendment was necessary for establishing some level of uniformity among the playing teams. We have taken this decision after receiving complaints about people feeling violated and abused after such violent actions. We want our players to feel that they have some value on the field. Like the honourable central government's progressive policies, we would also like to promote equality amongst cricketers, atleast on field." When told that he might have mixed up his regular Congress spokesperson's speeches with the IPL one, he said "It doesn't matter. Whether on the cricket field or off it, such blatant violence is the order of the day all across the country, so this dialogue is valid even in IPL." and walked away without commenting further.

N. Srinivasan watching Gayle's batting.
He announced the change in rules soon afterwards

Commenting on his announcement, BCCI President said "See Thambi, if such people continue their unruly business, how will CSK win the tournament pa? See, there has to be some level of decency and respect for the game in the way people play." When told that as long as Sir Ravindra Jadeja is there, no one can harm CSK, Srinivasan also told "See, that is one another reason, you cannot insult His Holiness with such vulgarity on the field. This is OK with lesser teams, but not with respectable and highly experienced champion teams like CSK.""
Speaking after his team's massive defeat, a visibly relieved Mitchell Marsh said "This development is very welcome. Moreover, it makes sense too. You see, after all the ball would anyway go out of the stadium. So it didn't really make sense to keep fielders within the normal boundary. After all, what field do you set for a man before whom the audience turns into fielders and fielders into audience?" He also told that his captain Aaron Finch and Ali Murtaza, who were suffering from sever depression and contemplating retirement from cricket, were now on the way to full recovery.


Meanwhile Chris Gayle was unavailable for comment since he was busy dancing to the music of 'Gangnam Style' in the RCB dressing room.