BCCI to measure Indian Pace bowling in 'mph'

The new 'Fastest' Indian Bowler

In a surprising decision earlier this week, Politician/Journalist/BCCI Spokesperson/Indian team Manager/IPL Chairman, et al. Rajiv Shukla announced that Indian Pace bowling will be henceforth measured in terms of 'mph' and not the traditional 'kmph' units.

Disclosing this decision as a step towards 'modernisation' of Indian Cricket, he said that miles per hour units are numerically less their kmph equivalent and hence will inspire fast bowlers to 'ever increase their speeds' during matches.

Dissatisfied by the logic (if it can be called so), this correspondent closely questioned Shuklaji later that day, when the true reason behind the announcement came to light.

Smiling creepily, Mr. Shukla revealed that mph stood for 'metres per hour' and that the BCCI had no other option but to settle for this unit as this was the largest unit wherein Indian pace would be assuming a respectable value. 'In an age where new fast bowlers are being brought out everyday, Indian pace needs to be competitive at a global stage' he said.

On being questioned about this new 'strategy' being detected by the ICC, Shukla said, 'In a country where virtually every auto runs on a fake meter, changing the meter measuring the ball speeds should not be a problem. Moreover, our government has ensured that lakhs of engineers are trained, each one an expert in manipulations of any scale and kind. These excuses resources can be very effectively used in implementing this strategy and hence, bring a complete image makeover for the Indian pace bowlers. We are confident that if implemented with enough force care, the ICC will not notice these things.'

The new mph system could lead to ludicrously high speed readings for bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Ashoke Dinda, who, once in a blue-moon, manage 140 kmph plus speeds. When this was brought before the IPL Chairman, he responded immediately saying, 'One or two such oddities will be there. This is not a perfect world. We will take care to minimise such anomalies'. On questioning whether minimising meant axing, he excused himself to the restroom.

Meanwhile, Munaf Patel was found roaming on a street outside his house shouting 'I am now truly the Fastest Bowler in India'. However, no one was listening to his claims. 'They will see....they will all see...' he was found murmuring later.