The True Dark Knight

For many days now, the biggest question on everyone's minds is 'Where was Rohit Sharma's form all these days?' Of course, those who are not asking this question are busy criticising the now in-form cricketer heavily. Amidst all these opinions, this reporter has stumbled upon a startling revelation behind the reason for the repeated selection of the young star despite his affinity for pathetic batting performances.
Indian Captain MS Dhoni along with Coach Duncan Fletcher spoke to yours truly after Sharma's miraculous innings of 83. Here are some of the words spoken during the interview.
College Bakwas : MS, Where was Rohit Sharma's form all these days?
MSD : Well, I always knew that Rohit had it in him to make it big! It is this belief that has got him a place in the squad for all these matches.
CB : Even when there were in-form batsmen ready for the series?
MSD : Heh! Form is temporary. Rohit Sharma is permanent!
CB : Are you paraphrasing 'class' with 'Rohit Sharma'?
MSD : Who said anything about class?
CB: What was the logic/strategy behind sending Sharma up front to open the batting?
MSD : (Looks at Fletcher, who shakes head vigourously) I don't understand what you are saying...
CB : What led you to select Sharma as the opener?
MSD : Why shouldn't he open?
CB : No reason.
MSD : Exactly my reason (for sending him first).
CB : Coach, what do you have to say about Rohit Sharma's innings?
Fletcher : (After a few seconds, surprised) I never knew that kid could bat...
Dhoni : (quickly) ....that well.
Fletcher : ...He will make a good cook though. I have always enjoyed his Maggi noodles.
CB : So has India found a permanent opener in Sharma?
MSD : No
CB : Then why is he being sent in the opening slot?
MSD : Because he’s the opener our batting lineup deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll send him. Because we can lose him. Because he’s not our opener. He’s a silent observer, a quick finisher (of his own innings), a wasteful non-striker. The dark knight.
CB : Woah!
MSD : Not really! See, he will anyway return in two minutes. It won't harm the team if he scores a few runs once in a while. So he is the Ideal batsman for our team. He fits in any position.
CB : Many fans felt disappointed that Raina got the man-of-the-match award and not Sharma.
MSD : Well, it is not the award, but how much you score that defines you... usually. Dravid played so many supportive innings throughout his career, it is this that the younger generation of batsmen have to learn and emulate.
CB : But whom will they support? Who will be the big guy scoring runs?
MSD : (Smiles sheepishly) ...
CB : Moving on, now that the team has reached the No. 1 spot, what are your plans for holding on to it? Will India be the next Australia?
MSD : Well, the Aussies have not been in the best of their forms recently. So, looking at the team, yes, India can be the next Australia.
CB : ....Oh. Ok... Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, and All the best for the next match MS!
  
  

BCCI to measure Indian Pace bowling in 'mph'

The new 'Fastest' Indian Bowler

In a surprising decision earlier this week, Politician/Journalist/BCCI Spokesperson/Indian team Manager/IPL Chairman, et al. Rajiv Shukla announced that Indian Pace bowling will be henceforth measured in terms of 'mph' and not the traditional 'kmph' units.

Disclosing this decision as a step towards 'modernisation' of Indian Cricket, he said that miles per hour units are numerically less their kmph equivalent and hence will inspire fast bowlers to 'ever increase their speeds' during matches.

Dissatisfied by the logic (if it can be called so), this correspondent closely questioned Shuklaji later that day, when the true reason behind the announcement came to light.

Smiling creepily, Mr. Shukla revealed that mph stood for 'metres per hour' and that the BCCI had no other option but to settle for this unit as this was the largest unit wherein Indian pace would be assuming a respectable value. 'In an age where new fast bowlers are being brought out everyday, Indian pace needs to be competitive at a global stage' he said.

On being questioned about this new 'strategy' being detected by the ICC, Shukla said, 'In a country where virtually every auto runs on a fake meter, changing the meter measuring the ball speeds should not be a problem. Moreover, our government has ensured that lakhs of engineers are trained, each one an expert in manipulations of any scale and kind. These excuses resources can be very effectively used in implementing this strategy and hence, bring a complete image makeover for the Indian pace bowlers. We are confident that if implemented with enough force care, the ICC will not notice these things.'

The new mph system could lead to ludicrously high speed readings for bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Ashoke Dinda, who, once in a blue-moon, manage 140 kmph plus speeds. When this was brought before the IPL Chairman, he responded immediately saying, 'One or two such oddities will be there. This is not a perfect world. We will take care to minimise such anomalies'. On questioning whether minimising meant axing, he excused himself to the restroom.

Meanwhile, Munaf Patel was found roaming on a street outside his house shouting 'I am now truly the Fastest Bowler in India'. However, no one was listening to his claims. 'They will see....they will all see...' he was found murmuring later.