The End is Now Definitely Near....

Ladies and Gentlemen, the unbelievable has happened.

The world will no longer remain the same.

The End is now definitely near.

Rameez Raja's legendary powers to irritate almost any mass of the human population  - in multiple languages, with equal dexterity - is very well-known. When one would begin to think that these powers couldn't grow any further, the impossible was realised. Raja has now also absorbed Ravi Shastri's highly acclaimed fetish for cliches as well. This was confirmed when watching Michael Hussey's onslaught on the bedraggled Kings XI Punjab in Chennai last Thursday, the Pakistani commentator shot 'tracer-bullets' every time Hussey scored a boundary. Once the audience was relieved that this would stop following Hussey's dismissal, Suresh Raina took charge and started firing, resulting in bright 'Flashes' of 'Full Monties' and more 'tracer-bullets from Raja. A shell-shocked audience watched as the already irritating voice started 'Shastrifying' the audience with cliches. Thousands of television sets were switched off and fans desperately turned to sports information websites like ESPNcricinfo to protect themselves and their families from the hazardous words coming from the Chepauk Stadium.

Speaking in the time that his slow net connection was updating the scores, Pareshan Kumar, a die hard IPL (cheerleaders) fan spoke to CB news, saying,."Now what will I do. I have to 'Whistle podu' looking at the cricinfo scores. No more cheerleaders with a connection as slow as this." Reaching out to the millions of affected television audiences, even eminent commentator Harsha Bhogle appealed for a no-commentary option for viewers.

An Emphatic Rameez Raja

Meanwhile, an over-ecstatic Shastri could not even contain himself as he ripped the mike out of this CB News anchor's hands and went on shouting, "This is just what the doctor ordered. This news from the center has just made my spirits take the aerial route. It was previously known that no-one can tackle Rameez. He was infallible. Knowing that I have influenced him is a matter of great honour. I thought he was the most powerful irritant humanity has ever seen.

From the commentary box our words will now flash and flash hard and give the audiences all the action live from the center." Not stopping Unable to stop there, he went on speaking about the possibility of no-commentary options for viewers, saying, "At this stage though all three results are possible. But we are dealing with expert commentaries here. Nothing can replace that. I am sure, however, that in the end, Cricket will be the winner!" he signed off with a flourish. There was a hint of a tear in his right eye as he finished his joyful statement.

Anup (name not changed) could not hide his shock at this development, "This is almost like an evil version of the Fusion saga in Dragonball Z. How could they even do this? I thought that with Rameez Raja, humanity had surpassed itself in producing irritants. Who would have known that like the Hindu mythological King Bali, this guy could absorb half of the strengths of his opponents co-irritants. I hope Harsha Bhogle's no commentary option is made available at the earliest."

When asked about it, Rameez Raja did not exhibit any emotions as he said, "This is no big deal for me. In fact, this is an opportunity for me to rise up to the challenge of keeping up the standards of both Ravi and my own self. I assure you that this is going to be interesting. In the end, Cricket is the winner!"

 

Vinay Kumar Declared Greatest Batsman in the World

An Aggressive Vinay Kumar

"Strike Rate is everything"   - Vinay Kumar

Known for his mind-numbing pace and mind-blowing bowling tactics on field, Davangere Express R Vinay Kumar has now been declared the greatest batsmen on the planet. He wrests this title from kiwi maverick Brendon McCullum after jumping 292 spots up the ladder, a feat which even Sir Jadeja Himself has not been able to achieve so far in the history of the game. His mammoth rise in the ranks comes after his powerful blast of 22 runs off just 6 balls against Rajasthan Royals earlier today at the Sawai Mansingh stadium. Announcing his achievement when interrupted by Danny Morrison after his blitzkrieg of an innings, RVK said, "I am honoured to adorn the mantle of best T20 batsman." When pointed out by Morrison that there was no Official ICC Declaration of this fact, the Davangere Express said, "Danny, the ICC is slow to pick up the fast-changing scenario of IPL and T20 cricket in general. I hope you will hear it soon". At a rare loss for words, Morrison was not able to continue irritating questioning the RCB bowler. Ravi Shastri recalled a similar incident during the initial three years of IPL when Dale Steyn was a prominent member of the Bangalore Squad. Vinay Kumar had nicknamed himself 'Davangere 'Express'', leading the attack comprising of Steyn and Kumble, among other bowlers. Questioning the logic behind how one could possibly assume the (nick-)name 'Express' when bowling with Dale Steyn, Jacques Kallis and even Anil Kumble, Shastri is later said to have realised (when the thought hit him like a tracer-bullet) that this was a self-proclamation by Kumar. Rumours were soon around speculating that this latest rant might also be another self-proclaimed achievement. When questioned about the slump in his bowling later today, which lost his team the match, Vinay Kumar replied angrily, "Do you know the mental strain that is exerted on a player when he shoulders the responsibility of taking his team to a high total? It naturally exhausted me".

The Davangere Express

When asked after the match "Why put so much of an effort when you were anyway going to screw up the game while bowling ?", the Express replied "Cricket is not about winning or losing, but about playing the game. Rarely do the batting powers of players lower down come into limelight. The McCullums and Watsons of this world must know that they are not the only aggressive batsmen around. Moreover, it felt like today was my day, anyway. You saw that Gayle bat against Pune. How do you think he built up the courage to play like that? I made him practise his shots while I bowled. Now who got the credit? This is what I'm talking about. The hidden talents of the lower order never comes out. Hence I thought I will address this situation today".
When asked about his former team-mate, Steyn asked, "Vinay Who? I have bowled with only two fast bowlers in RCB - Jacques Kallis and Anil Kumble. the rest were all spinners bro."
Meanwhile, ICC has announced that it will shortly announce the elevation of Vinay Kumar in its Twenty20 bowlers', batsmen's and all-rounders' lists.

Fielders allowed to travel across the city to try and catch Gayle's shots

The Innings that changed IPL

In a turbulent post-massacre match press conference after the RCB vs PWI match in Bangalore earlier today, BCCI President N. Srinivasan announced some landmark changes in the playing rules of the IPL. This is said to have followed Jamaican Chris Gayle's slightly aggressive innings of 175 off 66 balls, with 17 sixes and 13 fours. Rumours were aboard saying that while his captain Kohli said that '160 was a meaningful total in this match, Gayle thought that he had to score atleast 160 runs, an like the sincere cricketer that he is, he completed his job comfortably.

Effective immediately, teams fielding when Chris Gayle is on strike will be allowed to position their fielders at appropriate distances - namely, beyond the boundaries and outside the stadium in order to be able to catch, or atleast see/locate the ball, while the boundary for Gayle will be increased to the perimeter of the city where the match is being played.

Aaron Finch walks away in depression

Senior IPL management has quoted 'need for uniformity among the playing standards of participating teams' and 'protection of innocent bowlers' dignity' as excuses reasons for this announcement. "The normal batsman's 30-yard circle will be 300 yards long for Chris Gayle!" quipped IPL Chief Rajiv Shukla happily. Speaking on, he also said "This amendment was necessary for establishing some level of uniformity among the playing teams. We have taken this decision after receiving complaints about people feeling violated and abused after such violent actions. We want our players to feel that they have some value on the field. Like the honourable central government's progressive policies, we would also like to promote equality amongst cricketers, atleast on field." When told that he might have mixed up his regular Congress spokesperson's speeches with the IPL one, he said "It doesn't matter. Whether on the cricket field or off it, such blatant violence is the order of the day all across the country, so this dialogue is valid even in IPL." and walked away without commenting further.

N. Srinivasan watching Gayle's batting.
He announced the change in rules soon afterwards

Commenting on his announcement, BCCI President said "See Thambi, if such people continue their unruly business, how will CSK win the tournament pa? See, there has to be some level of decency and respect for the game in the way people play." When told that as long as Sir Ravindra Jadeja is there, no one can harm CSK, Srinivasan also told "See, that is one another reason, you cannot insult His Holiness with such vulgarity on the field. This is OK with lesser teams, but not with respectable and highly experienced champion teams like CSK.""
Speaking after his team's massive defeat, a visibly relieved Mitchell Marsh said "This development is very welcome. Moreover, it makes sense too. You see, after all the ball would anyway go out of the stadium. So it didn't really make sense to keep fielders within the normal boundary. After all, what field do you set for a man before whom the audience turns into fielders and fielders into audience?" He also told that his captain Aaron Finch and Ali Murtaza, who were suffering from sever depression and contemplating retirement from cricket, were now on the way to full recovery.


Meanwhile Chris Gayle was unavailable for comment since he was busy dancing to the music of 'Gangnam Style' in the RCB dressing room.

The True Dark Knight

For many days now, the biggest question on everyone's minds is 'Where was Rohit Sharma's form all these days?' Of course, those who are not asking this question are busy criticising the now in-form cricketer heavily. Amidst all these opinions, this reporter has stumbled upon a startling revelation behind the reason for the repeated selection of the young star despite his affinity for pathetic batting performances.
Indian Captain MS Dhoni along with Coach Duncan Fletcher spoke to yours truly after Sharma's miraculous innings of 83. Here are some of the words spoken during the interview.
College Bakwas : MS, Where was Rohit Sharma's form all these days?
MSD : Well, I always knew that Rohit had it in him to make it big! It is this belief that has got him a place in the squad for all these matches.
CB : Even when there were in-form batsmen ready for the series?
MSD : Heh! Form is temporary. Rohit Sharma is permanent!
CB : Are you paraphrasing 'class' with 'Rohit Sharma'?
MSD : Who said anything about class?
CB: What was the logic/strategy behind sending Sharma up front to open the batting?
MSD : (Looks at Fletcher, who shakes head vigourously) I don't understand what you are saying...
CB : What led you to select Sharma as the opener?
MSD : Why shouldn't he open?
CB : No reason.
MSD : Exactly my reason (for sending him first).
CB : Coach, what do you have to say about Rohit Sharma's innings?
Fletcher : (After a few seconds, surprised) I never knew that kid could bat...
Dhoni : (quickly) ....that well.
Fletcher : ...He will make a good cook though. I have always enjoyed his Maggi noodles.
CB : So has India found a permanent opener in Sharma?
MSD : No
CB : Then why is he being sent in the opening slot?
MSD : Because he’s the opener our batting lineup deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll send him. Because we can lose him. Because he’s not our opener. He’s a silent observer, a quick finisher (of his own innings), a wasteful non-striker. The dark knight.
CB : Woah!
MSD : Not really! See, he will anyway return in two minutes. It won't harm the team if he scores a few runs once in a while. So he is the Ideal batsman for our team. He fits in any position.
CB : Many fans felt disappointed that Raina got the man-of-the-match award and not Sharma.
MSD : Well, it is not the award, but how much you score that defines you... usually. Dravid played so many supportive innings throughout his career, it is this that the younger generation of batsmen have to learn and emulate.
CB : But whom will they support? Who will be the big guy scoring runs?
MSD : (Smiles sheepishly) ...
CB : Moving on, now that the team has reached the No. 1 spot, what are your plans for holding on to it? Will India be the next Australia?
MSD : Well, the Aussies have not been in the best of their forms recently. So, looking at the team, yes, India can be the next Australia.
CB : ....Oh. Ok... Anyway, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us, and All the best for the next match MS!
  
  

BCCI to measure Indian Pace bowling in 'mph'

The new 'Fastest' Indian Bowler

In a surprising decision earlier this week, Politician/Journalist/BCCI Spokesperson/Indian team Manager/IPL Chairman, et al. Rajiv Shukla announced that Indian Pace bowling will be henceforth measured in terms of 'mph' and not the traditional 'kmph' units.

Disclosing this decision as a step towards 'modernisation' of Indian Cricket, he said that miles per hour units are numerically less their kmph equivalent and hence will inspire fast bowlers to 'ever increase their speeds' during matches.

Dissatisfied by the logic (if it can be called so), this correspondent closely questioned Shuklaji later that day, when the true reason behind the announcement came to light.

Smiling creepily, Mr. Shukla revealed that mph stood for 'metres per hour' and that the BCCI had no other option but to settle for this unit as this was the largest unit wherein Indian pace would be assuming a respectable value. 'In an age where new fast bowlers are being brought out everyday, Indian pace needs to be competitive at a global stage' he said.

On being questioned about this new 'strategy' being detected by the ICC, Shukla said, 'In a country where virtually every auto runs on a fake meter, changing the meter measuring the ball speeds should not be a problem. Moreover, our government has ensured that lakhs of engineers are trained, each one an expert in manipulations of any scale and kind. These excuses resources can be very effectively used in implementing this strategy and hence, bring a complete image makeover for the Indian pace bowlers. We are confident that if implemented with enough force care, the ICC will not notice these things.'

The new mph system could lead to ludicrously high speed readings for bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Ashoke Dinda, who, once in a blue-moon, manage 140 kmph plus speeds. When this was brought before the IPL Chairman, he responded immediately saying, 'One or two such oddities will be there. This is not a perfect world. We will take care to minimise such anomalies'. On questioning whether minimising meant axing, he excused himself to the restroom.

Meanwhile, Munaf Patel was found roaming on a street outside his house shouting 'I am now truly the Fastest Bowler in India'. However, no one was listening to his claims. 'They will see....they will all see...' he was found murmuring later.

Test Defeat never Actually Happened, says Dhoni

In a ground-breaking Press Statement shortly before the Indo-Pak T20 match in Bangalore, MS Dhoni said that India's alleged Whitewash at the hands of Australia and England in back-to-back series never really happened, questioning the journalists perception of reality. He said that this is all a big dream, and that we will wake up to face a new and resurgent team India.
These statements are believed to be inspired by Congress leader Digvijay Singh's latest rant statement that the alleged scams under the UPA government never really happened.

Indian Captain MS Dhoni, during the Press conference

'That the Indian team was beaten ruthlessly abroad is an allegation which is being brought by critics to downgrade the good efforts the team has been striving to keep up its form. The public will wake up to reality and see that we are back to our winning ways' Dhoni said with confidence.
All the journalists immediately pulled out their totems and twirled them to check whether the statement was true.
Later that day, after the match, Dhoni's managers said that the captain was very busy and hence was unavailable for comments.
Dhoni's pre-match statement led to mixed reactions in the public, which eventually gave rise to factions and resulted in a violent clash between them. The local police unsuccessfully tried to restore peace.
At the end of the day, protestors and police were seen at different bars along MG Road enjoying bottles of beer together. The totems were reported missing following the mob violence. The press has gone into a limbo state ever since.

Some of the reporters' Totems, which were lost after the press meet.

Prime Minister Manmohan Singh was rumored to have released a press statement saying 'Sab kuch theek hai and that 'The government will take appropriate action against the accused.'

Dhoni Relieved following Misbah's Statement

Indian Captain M S Dhoni happily expressed his confidence that India will comfortably defend its Asia Cup Title next week in Bangladesh in a press conference here in Ranchi after his Pakistan counterpart Misbah-Ul-Haq released his press statement before the tournament opener.

Misbah said that 'he was confident of performing well'. Responding to which Dhoni said, "Everybody, including Misbah knows what he means by 'performing well'. Yuvraj may have had a role in our 2007 T20 World Cup victory, but it is an open secret that the real champion for our side was Misbah. He had 'played very well' then also. He has 'played very well' recently also. You want proof of this? England won the ODI series against Pak 4-0. Who do you think is the actual Man of the Series?"

It is well known that the very presence of Misbah-Ul-Haq inspires Pakistan's opponents to such an extent that they win from even the most hopeless situations, as Dhoni recalls his own experience.
"I mean, even a blind man would not dare to hit the same shot consecutively, even more so after he hears me positioning a man in the direction of his previous shot. But Misbah is a class apart.
Who would show a face-palm expression after a World Cup victory? Thanks to Misbah I had such a rare opportunity.

Anyway, now that we have Misbah's assurance of 'performing well', I can sleep peacefully now. With such a team, Whatmore can be expected?"

On being questioned whether the comment was aimed towards the Pakistan coach, Dhoni refused to comment.

Dhoni signed off hoping that Sachin gets his hundredth hundred sometime this month.